Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
Fuck women. Not all of them. Just most of them.
Well hello there LJ. You seem so quite compared to face book. My new name for Livejournal is Wordbook.
Oh man. I forgot how nice it was to have unlimited space in which to toss out my thoughts. I think facebook was a good exercise because it taught me to be efficient at what I was trying to say. The only problem is, I have a lot to say and I can only water it down so much without loosing the full meaning.
I think wordbook and living in the van again shall go well together.
Everything is energy
Thinking about a world where you can replicate anything with a few basic chemical components has a way of altering the value we place on certain objects or mental concepts.
Why is it so hard to rewrite something that we wrote once, but lost do to some unforeseen circumstance. I was working on Facebook for two hours writing an idea out and I miss clicked on the page and got directed somewhere else. When I tried to go back and reload the Facebook note area, all my work was gone. Devastating. This wasn't a normal rant. This was linked to my college advancement and my future; to what I want to do or explore in my lifetime. As in, I was thinking about submitting the paper along with my admissions to a graduate program. I came here to try and rewrite it but it just feels somehow less. Instead of this flow of creative ideas, it's this mechanical reconstruction process. It just kills it. I'll have to start piecing it together. The very thought of going through that process just saps me though lol. oh well. All I can hope for is that this will give me a chance to make it better in some other ways.
need to get some food.
Well, Hello there. Nice to see yah. Sorry, I have been busy. Trying out the new world of social networking. Wen I originally shifted I thought it would be a good idea to learn more about people and their ideas. except now, I realize that you can only learn so much about a person in scraps of 420 characters. Some thoughts and just bigger then that. People are just bigger then that. The other sites just are not set up to facilitate such bulk of information. So yah. Expect to be hearing a lot more from me from here on out =P
I am not sure how I am feeling tonight. She isn't here. she was going to be but then life happened. I know it's not me but I have a hard time separating it all out. I feel like a fucking child right now. I can't sleep. part of me wants to cry but I don't feel like I am entitled too. She is like a blessing and a curse right now. Do I tell her how I really feel? I don't even know how I really feel. I'm hurt. I know that. I don't doubt that we will get over it but there will be a scar. a fear, a chink in the armor. in my head that is. in my heart. I wish part of me didn't feel like I was giving up.
fuck. I wish I could just sleep right now. and wake up tomorrow and just smile.
In a perfect world, a romantic movie, you'd come over here and crawl into bed with me. but that isn't going to happen is it? Does that mean that this isn't real then, that our love is somehow not as good as it can or could be? or do I just have to great an expectation based on stupid Hollywood romance movies?
shut up ethan
Well shit. It has been awhile, hasn't it?
I think Live Journal is 10 years old? Funny. I'll be 28 soon.
I have been playing a lot of World of Warcraft lately. So much that now that I am on the downward consumption peak, I don't really know what to do with myself and my time. Which brings me to here once again. It has been a lot of fun I have to admit. To much so if I am being totally honest with myself. I was able to get in with a decent guild and finally get into some hard core raiding events every night. I think we will be full clearing Ulduar on 10 and 25 man by the end of this month in a day or two. After that I think I'll be done with it. The time has come.
There is so much life to be lived. I can't even remember where I left off before. I guess I'll just relay whats going on in my life now.
I met a girl (of course). She is wonderful. I barely know her. 3 weeks and counting. Always happens to me in the spring. She could be the one though. They are always almost the one lol, at least until they are. We are so opposite yet we can communicate fantastically. It's nutz. I have been saying that a lot lately, "Nutz"; with the Z. Hum, not a girl but a woman. She is turning 29 on Saturday =) Her name is Trish, sometimes I call her squish. But not squishy.
I feel at peace when we are together. Just knowing I am with her, in the relationship sense, gives me a feeling of serenity. Like, I don't have to look anymore, yah know? It's nice. I'm happy. Nothing I ever really expected to find. These days my biggest fear is, "what if she dies?" I know right?. nutz... as in, I would be so sad to loose her; every second is precious. Quite a unique feeling for me. I have never been afraid like that before in regards to my feelings for another. I love it.
I am going to start working on the van tomorrow for the first day. Tis time. Taking it to a jiffy lube center for a check up and an oil change. Need to get the manual transition figured out, see if it just needs some fluid or if the problem is bigger then that. Burning man is fast approaching and I need to pimp my ride so I can weather the sand storms in style and comfort.
I love my Star Wars room.
E3 has me jonesing for some new games. Mario Galaxies 2 is on it's way, a new Star Wars MMO as well; Still waiting for Starcraft 2 and Diablo 3.
Technological advancement continues to amaze me. The new Xbox 360 controller system, the natal, is fucking amazing. new paradigm in gaming. Things will never be the same.
Combine that with, brain wave capture assisted controller devices and current big screen movie 3D technology for home use and you got yourself the future.
I have one more semester of college left at WSU to get my bachelors degree. Should have been done last semester but I made a few mistakes that couldn't be undone. But it's all good. I decided to go into pyschology mostly. SO this gives me a chance to fill out my resume with some classes int eh filed that I otherwise would not have taken. No idea what I will do once I get out still. One step at a time I suppose.
I did some research on Burning Man. It is going to be such a riot. Can't wait to get down there and just start living free. let me tell you, naked Ethan in a desert for sure. Come sandstorms or mudstorms.
I am waiting for Trish to call me back right now before we go to bed. She is in Cali working on a Union organizing event. That is the work she used to do. She is in school to be a middle school math teacher right now. Hot, I know. She is going to help me work on my algebra skills =) in exchange, I am going to help her work on her garden. And give great oral sex. of course.
I wish the star ships on my ceiling were on a track and a timer, so they would move around and mimic space flight. Maybe one day I'll get around to doing that. Have had the same wish since I was like 10 years old. maybe I can even add in some blue and red laser points and a fog machine of some sort =P
oh, she rings... laterz
So I am not going to class in the summer. Going to take some time off to explore, enjoy life, work on the van and look into some of the topics of interest school has fostered. Try to plan the future somewhat.
I am going to be graduating in the fall (which means I'll be done with my undergrad by 2010). Just 10 years after high school. ha. The cool thing is that I'll still be able to get financial aid even though I dropped the ball on some of my classes this semester. So yah.
Also, I have been very intrigued by psychology as of late. So to make up for lost time I am going to blast myself with almost every class that WSU offers on the subject that I am interested this fall.
This will be my schedule for next fall. (the bold classes are the ones I am enrolled in, the others are just ones I will be attending)
GenEd 302 Advanced Writing Tutorial
Psych 372 [B] Introduction to Physiological Psychology
Psych 321 Introduction to Personality
Psych 333 Abnormal Psychology
Psych 342 Assessment and Treatment of Dual Diagnosis
Psych 320 Health Psychology
Soc 102 [S,D] Social Problems
Anth 395 Evolutionary perspective on women
Psych 301 Seminar in Psychology
Psych 466 Environmental Psychology
Psych 384 Sensation and Perception
Psych 328 [M] Self Control
Univ 300 College Major and Career Planning
Going to be very busy from Monday to Thursday =)
STAR TREK MIDNIGHT SHOWING!!!
Star Trek May. 8, 2009 12:01am Regal Lloyd Center 10 Cinema
I expect everyone to be there!!!!
Buy tickets on fandango or drive down and get yours today!!!
WOW. it has been awhile. no love for the LJ.
I have a big choice ahead of me. been messing things up because I don't know which way to go. I don't know what to do next and next is coming up fast.
My life has seemed more like a fiction story these days, except that the pain and pleasure is being directly fed into my brain. Can't just put down the book or turn of the tube.
Sometimes I feel like I am just waiting to hear that I have cancer. Then maybe I'll actually feel motivated to do something. I'd say it is time to "shit or get off the pot" except I think the rim of the pot is big enough for all of us to sit next to one another, hold hands and shit in unison.
My foot/leg is doing better. even ran a bit today. Played some Frisbee with a gal who I am smitten over. Either we will end up together or I'll be doomed to feel like there was a spark that never got a chance to blast off for the rest of my life. She reminds me of my mom a bit, which is comforting yet terrifying.
school is fucked. I am barley scrapping by this quarter. GPA is going to take a huge hit. moving on.
I can either take the summer off and take the 3 classes I need to graduate in the fall or keep pushing and be done before August. fuck if I know.
"I want my dick to spend the rest of my life inside your vagina. I know we only met a month ago but that just goes to show you that I have a good feeling about the long term outcome of our relationship." - Some movie in my head
I miss writing. what I say doesn't seem to have much meaning. o others that is. Still. it's an outlet for my emotions. inexpressible in everyday life. partly due to the nature of the information, partly because writing has it's own strengths that allow for specific ways of expression that would be lost in another communication medium.
big words don't sound so dumb when your reading them as when someone is saying them. Plus, you don't look like an idiot when you take time out to go look unknown words up.
I have stopped seeing a lot of people from my life. the old life? perhaps. just a different time. kind of wiped the slate a bit. Maybe I'll come back one day; reminisce. I figure if I change enough and put myself in different situations with different people, eventually I'll discover some kind of core to my being; some trend that seems to follow; learn a little about myself while expanding and exploring at the same time.
how low can you go? how high can you climb? how far is your reach? what can you take? what makes you break? where do you stop? when is it a good time to end?
ideas. I love ideas.
99% are pure "funny in the moment" bullshit. trick is to find a way to capitalize on the remaining 1%. Of course, I prefer to socialize on the 1% but that never really works out the way it does in my dreams.
well, that's not true. TLDM. Debatable whether that "worked out" or not though.
The winds are blowing a bit. not cold, just a breeze in the spring sun. Taking a bath in star light.
Need to cut some cords. Time to work on the van. time to set the stage for who I am going to be for the next few years.
and it begins...
Watch live video from The Lucid Dream Machine on Justin.tv
Well hello there. Long time no see.
Life has been... full. no time to stop and talk.
World of Warcraft is going well; in a guild (doing well); going to main tank this Friday and Saturday. Just what I have always wanted. Now that everything is perfect, now is the time where I wonder what I am doing and want to start looking for something else. but we shall see.
foot is doing better. There is some residual pain which won't go away for a year or so I am sure. Today is the day I begin playing rock band again.
Money is going to run out in 3 months or so now. I could probably squeeze 4 out of it. Which means a job. I am looking forward to working again, having a steady income. Not sure if I will stick with Comcast or find something else.
School has been a total bust this semester. I am so done with it... need to finish; I know. About to drop another class and be down to 3.
Which means I need 3 more to graduate (summer or fall). on-line classes were a bad idea for me. don't sit well with my personality profile =P
on the flip side. I am letting this idea of becoming an EMT (and eventually a Paramedic) sit next to my mind for awhile. I really want to mull it over. The work hours seem really long. That seems to be the only downside. But maybe I can get jobs that are not as demanding of my time in the field. which, doesn't help school because to be an EMT I just need to do a three month training course. WTF did I get a degree for?
But yah, saving people's lives? I could deal with that? crazy, hectic, chaotic situations where you need to keep your head about you and get shit done? I can deal with that too. I'd love it actually. chaos is my medium. makes me feel alive. plus the social capital in the form of stauts I would derive from being an EMT is awesome.
Baby, if you need me, I can save your life.
yup. it's all about pussy. (and the fact that a friend of Tristan is an EMT and when they are waiting for a call they get to sit in their flashing corpse wagon playing World of Warcraft on their lap tops. sweet!~)
Also, when I think back to all my encounters with EMT's, I have placed them in a specific area of my mind and I can recall all of them easily; must mean something.
There was an old movie that had EMT's in it, there were those EMT's that used to show up at the theater where I worked and get to watch free movies, there was that one time where someone broke their foot while i was first aid guy and an EMT crew came then, and there were those nice EMT's that helped me after my scooter crash.
Plus, I would just love to have that kind of training. I love the human body and blood/feces/being in the shit doesn't bother me.
omn the flip side. board game night is going very well. like another TLDM well. we have about 30-40 people attending a game night every Thursday now. it's crazy. we are talking about renting out a place to meet the demands of the group now. so I don't know. kind of just seeing what happens with that. potential. so we shall see.
I am getting ready to start working on the van again. The kick off date for burning man is fast approaching and I want to be ready.
People, that people I know, have died recently. Didn't know any of them but my condolences. grandparents seem to be kicking the bucket more recently these days. Maybe the rescission has brought back a lot of stressful memories. negative thoughts and emotions. who knows.
my grandmother isn't doing so well. mind is going. perhaps. not quite sure. what was i taking about?
my open relationship is going well. still working out the kinks. Melody and Felice spent some time talking together this weekend well they were both in town. think they might even be friends now =P I am finding myself pretty content. there is a bit of learning and growing left involving each of us but it is going well. Communication and honesty is the key.
and to be honest, this other girl caught my eye. just a passing glance however, nothing to serious. Her mind looked delicious. nough said.
ok. that is enough for now.
go out and live people. LIVE DAMNIT
Next leap forward for stem cells
Ghost busters 3 seems to be in the works. Please don't bomb.
just in case you need help with that rubikscube
article on cell phone jamming
To know one, To no one
Who are you trying to convince?
with those words that you say.
me, you, everybody?
I almost believe you.
wow. take a breath. My leg is healing. still broken. need to take a shower. i have been playing a lot of wow lately. pushing to 80. for a girl? i guess. but not really. just an idea, a concept.
dropped one of my on-line classes. was dragging me down. means i will have to take a summer class before I graduate. not really sure what else it means. more money as always. blah. Didn't want it to drag down my GPA however. I am not a distance learning type of guy. i need/want to be right there in the thick of it. full immersion.
I don't have many goals right now. I feel like I am wasting away but not necessarily in a bad way.
The only thing I am really eager for is Burning Man in the end of August. I'll be 28
twenty eight. not exactly old, but old enough to laugh at the thought of being with a 18 year old. just the thought of it makes me feel dirty. half bad/half good.
I am in a semi open relationship right now with two wonderful older women. by older I mean around 40. it's calm. just support and snuggles. what I like best. oh and the sex rocks too. although with my leg and all my exercising has gone down hill and so has my health to a certain degree. lets just say i don't have very good stamina. but I know how to make up for it due to years of practice i suppose.
Honestly, I just need to start working again. Just been a bit to self indulgent lately. Same old, same old really.
board game nights have been good.
Just something about this hour of the night for me. listening to the rain. rain in my brain.
the worst thing about my leg is that I haven't been able to work on the Van much. just isn't effective for moving around and getting into those awkward positions to tighten this bolt or that screw.
hum. I don't like you. I don't really know why. it's just a feeling. nothing personal. like I said, I don't really know why, I don't really know you. but I am pretty sure I don't want too. the little things you do rub me the wrong way. could just be a miss-communication I suppose.
I guess i am just rather impartial. it is what it is.
What's this life for?
"A wise person knows when to make an exception to every rule"
New everquest study underway
lot of naked people...
( Read more...Collapse )
barack dirty talk
Lot going on in my head. compounded by the pain in my leg. helps keep my focus off the other pain.
Something's wrong. Not sure what. could try and diagnose myself. not physically, or maybe physically at the root but manifesting itself psychologically. I just feel broken. feelings based on long term perceptions of behavioral patterns. behavior that doesn't lead me to be happy. or i am happy but it won't last. nothing really seems to matter. everything just fades to gray. i can't seem to hold on to the color.
I have no one to talk too. which isn't to say that there aren't people in my life who are willing to listen. Just know one who I feel like would understand. I don't even understand.
Know what you want.
women stuides paper work thoughts.
Do men and women communicate differently? Yes, but why? Is it biological or is it a learned social behavior that controls our communications between each other?
One of the areas we can explore this on-line games.
also, how do people interact when they don't know the gender of the other person?
"Whether its nature or nurture, there may be individuals who possess almost none of the traits attributed to their gender. They may have been teased, harassed or excluded from things because of this, which is why its important to know and understand male and female cultural norms but also recognize that many people don’t fit the mold. So while we call certain styles male and certain styles female because research has shown that different ways of thinking, processing, perceiving and behaving is present in at least 55% of the male and female population, that leaves up to 45% that may not fit the description. As you go about your day, take the time to listen and observe how people are interacting with each other. I’m sure you will notice many of the differences outlined on the next page and discussed in the workshop. Be aware that very few people are all one way or all the other way—most of us have used the other gender style at different times." - some on-line source
I was going to title this "Ethan in drop E". But I don't know if drop E exists. and I don't really feel like drop D symbolizes the same thing. In fact I don't know what drop E means, except that E is the letter of my first name. I suppose it means that I am down, or feel like I have been dropped, or even that I have dropped myself. yah, that is about right.
My foot is broken. I broke it. glad I did in some ways.
I guess I'll start with a confession. or just confessing and go from there.
I have been playing a lot of wow lately. a lot. Usually how it goes. partly just because I wanted to try out the expansion, and partly because there was a girl I was interested in who also played. double whammy. (just had a conversation with her though, she is dating someone) which is good. relieves some of the temptation to play.
I haven't been doing jack shit with school. I have gone to class half the days, and have read less then half of my assigned readings. fail. I have total senioritis. I like the information from the classes but the homework seems meaningless.
I don't think I feel good about being home anymore. it is almost to comfortable. I feel great whenever I am in my car driving or going somewhere. whenever I am doing something. With school, I can't shake the feeling that I am not doing anything, at least not anything worth while.
however, with wow I feel like I am doing something, like I am accomplishing something. even though it's just a bunch of information being exchanged and represented by pixels on a screen.
I don't know why I can't feel that same way about school.
not only that. but I am good at wow. it's just.. I know the rules and I can compete. they are fixed. you do this, this happens. school is so fucking arbitrary. in wow, your not graded on how you killed the mob, your just graded on whether you killed the mob or not. in school, how you do it seems to be the only thing that matters, and I fucking hate that. I am a person who does things his own way because I find ways to do things faster and better then the traditional. but school doesn't allow me to exploit that ability. I fucking hate it. at least, I can't get good grades when I do that.
the big problem is I took two on-line classes this semester. big mistake. I like the freedom they give but they require an immense amount of time and blog style communication to compete in. it wouldn't be so bad but I have always been lacking in English grammar and composition. My verbal skills are completely useless in those classes.
I guess in some ways it has showed me some of my limitations, or at least sore areas.
so yah. I can pony up and finish the classes (which I will get B's, maybe even c's in. or I can drop the classes, finish out my other ones and take two regular summer session classes. I don't know.. I just want to be fing done.
bah. I need to get some things done.
Calling all star wars fans
omg, this was fantastic
Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn't seen it all)
Video game voice actors. Who's who.
Princess Peach and Cortana
No wonder I liked halo so much =P I have spent much of my life listening to this woman's voice lol.