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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2009.11.23  14.07 blah.. Everything is energy Thinking about a world where you can replicate anything with a few basic chemical components has a way of altering the value we place on certain objects or mental concepts. Why is it so hard to rewrite something that we wrote once, but lost do to some unforeseen circumstance. I was working on Facebook for two hours writing an idea out and I miss clicked on the page and got directed somewhere else. When I tried to go back and reload the Facebook note area, all my work was gone. Devastating. This wasn't a normal rant. This was linked to my college advancement and my future; to what I want to do or explore in my lifetime. As in, I was thinking about submitting the paper along with my admissions to a graduate program. I came here to try and rewrite it but it just feels somehow less. Instead of this flow of creative ideas, it's this mechanical reconstruction process. It just kills it. I'll have to start piecing it together. The very thought of going through that process just saps me though lol. oh well. All I can hope for is that this will give me a chance to make it better in some other ways. need to get some food.

	2009.11.23  13.38 Home again. Well, Hello there. Nice to see yah. Sorry, I have been busy. Trying out the new world of social networking. Wen I originally shifted I thought it would be a good idea to learn more about people and their ideas. except now, I realize that you can only learn so much about a person in scraps of 420 characters. Some thoughts and just bigger then that. People are just bigger then that. The other sites just are not set up to facilitate such bulk of information. So yah. Expect to be hearing a lot more from me from here on out =P

	2009.06.11  15.42 lol =P

	2009.06.07  23.56 I am not sure how I am feeling tonight. She isn't here. she was going to be but then life happened. I know it's not me but I have a hard time separating it all out. I feel like a fucking child right now. I can't sleep. part of me wants to cry but I don't feel like I am entitled too. She is like a blessing and a curse right now. Do I tell her how I really feel? I don't even know how I really feel. I'm hurt. I know that. I don't doubt that we will get over it but there will be a scar. a fear, a chink in the armor. in my head that is. in my heart. I wish part of me didn't feel like I was giving up. fuck. I wish I could just sleep right now. and wake up tomorrow and just smile. In a perfect world, a romantic movie, you'd come over here and crawl into bed with me. but that isn't going to happen is it? Does that mean that this isn't real then, that our love is somehow not as good as it can or could be? or do I just have to great an expectation based on stupid Hollywood romance movies? fuck shut up ethan

	2009.06.02  22.48 Well shit. It has been awhile, hasn't it? I think Live Journal is 10 years old? Funny. I'll be 28 soon. I have been playing a lot of World of Warcraft lately. So much that now that I am on the downward consumption peak, I don't really know what to do with myself and my time. Which brings me to here once again. It has been a lot of fun I have to admit. To much so if I am being totally honest with myself. I was able to get in with a decent guild and finally get into some hard core raiding events every night. I think we will be full clearing Ulduar on 10 and 25 man by the end of this month in a day or two. After that I think I'll be done with it. The time has come. There is so much life to be lived. I can't even remember where I left off before. I guess I'll just relay whats going on in my life now. I met a girl (of course). She is wonderful. I barely know her. 3 weeks and counting. Always happens to me in the spring. She could be the one though. They are always almost the one lol, at least until they are. We are so opposite yet we can communicate fantastically. It's nutz. I have been saying that a lot lately, "Nutz"; with the Z. Hum, not a girl but a woman. She is turning 29 on Saturday =) Her name is Trish, sometimes I call her squish. But not squishy. I feel at peace when we are together. Just knowing I am with her, in the relationship sense, gives me a feeling of serenity. Like, I don't have to look anymore, yah know? It's nice. I'm happy. Nothing I ever really expected to find. These days my biggest fear is, "what if she dies?" I know right?. nutz... as in, I would be so sad to loose her; every second is precious. Quite a unique feeling for me. I have never been afraid like that before in regards to my feelings for another. I love it. I am going to start working on the van tomorrow for the first day. Tis time. Taking it to a jiffy lube center for a check up and an oil change. Need to get the manual transition figured out, see if it just needs some fluid or if the problem is bigger then that. Burning man is fast approaching and I need to pimp my ride so I can weather the sand storms in style and comfort. I love my Star Wars room. E3 has me jonesing for some new games. Mario Galaxies 2 is on it's way, a new Star Wars MMO as well; Still waiting for Starcraft 2 and Diablo 3. Technological advancement continues to amaze me. The new Xbox 360 controller system, the natal, is fucking amazing. new paradigm in gaming. Things will never be the same. Combine that with, brain wave capture assisted controller devices and current big screen movie 3D technology for home use and you got yourself the future. I have one more semester of college left at WSU to get my bachelors degree. Should have been done last semester but I made a few mistakes that couldn't be undone. But it's all good. I decided to go into pyschology mostly. SO this gives me a chance to fill out my resume with some classes int eh filed that I otherwise would not have taken. No idea what I will do once I get out still. One step at a time I suppose. I did some research on Burning Man. It is going to be such a riot. Can't wait to get down there and just start living free. let me tell you, naked Ethan in a desert for sure. Come sandstorms or mudstorms. I am waiting for Trish to call me back right now before we go to bed. She is in Cali working on a Union organizing event. That is the work she used to do. She is in school to be a middle school math teacher right now. Hot, I know. She is going to help me work on my algebra skills =) in exchange, I am going to help her work on her garden. And give great oral sex. of course. I wish the star ships on my ceiling were on a track and a timer, so they would move around and mimic space flight. Maybe one day I'll get around to doing that. Have had the same wish since I was like 10 years old. maybe I can even add in some blue and red laser points and a fog machine of some sort =P oh, she rings... laterz

	2009.04.23  16.49 So I am not going to class in the summer. Going to take some time off to explore, enjoy life, work on the van and look into some of the topics of interest school has fostered. Try to plan the future somewhat. I am going to be graduating in the fall (which means I'll be done with my undergrad by 2010). Just 10 years after high school. ha. The cool thing is that I'll still be able to get financial aid even though I dropped the ball on some of my classes this semester. So yah. Also, I have been very intrigued by psychology as of late. So to make up for lost time I am going to blast myself with almost every class that WSU offers on the subject that I am interested this fall. This will be my schedule for next fall. (the bold classes are the ones I am enrolled in, the others are just ones I will be attending) GenEd 302 Advanced Writing Tutorial Psych 372 [B] Introduction to Physiological Psychology Psych 321 Introduction to Personality Psych 333 Abnormal Psychology Psych 342 Assessment and Treatment of Dual Diagnosis Psych 320 Health Psychology Soc 102 [S,D] Social Problems Anth 395 Evolutionary perspective on women Psych 301 Seminar in Psychology Psych 466 Environmental Psychology Psych 384 Sensation and Perception Psych 328 [M] Self Control Univ 300 College Major and Career Planning Going to be very busy from Monday to Thursday =)

	2009.04.22  11.23 STAR TREK MIDNIGHT SHOWING!!! Star Trek May. 8, 2009 12:01am Regal Lloyd Center 10 Cinema I expect everyone to be there!!!! Buy tickets on fandango or drive down and get yours today!!!

	2009.04.07  02.15 predreams WOW. it has been awhile. no love for the LJ. I have a big choice ahead of me. been messing things up because I don't know which way to go. I don't know what to do next and next is coming up fast. My life has seemed more like a fiction story these days, except that the pain and pleasure is being directly fed into my brain. Can't just put down the book or turn of the tube. Sometimes I feel like I am just waiting to hear that I have cancer. Then maybe I'll actually feel motivated to do something. I'd say it is time to "shit or get off the pot" except I think the rim of the pot is big enough for all of us to sit next to one another, hold hands and shit in unison. My foot/leg is doing better. even ran a bit today. Played some Frisbee with a gal who I am smitten over. Either we will end up together or I'll be doomed to feel like there was a spark that never got a chance to blast off for the rest of my life. She reminds me of my mom a bit, which is comforting yet terrifying. school is fucked. I am barley scrapping by this quarter. GPA is going to take a huge hit. moving on. I can either take the summer off and take the 3 classes I need to graduate in the fall or keep pushing and be done before August. fuck if I know. "I want my dick to spend the rest of my life inside your vagina. I know we only met a month ago but that just goes to show you that I have a good feeling about the long term outcome of our relationship." - Some movie in my head I miss writing. what I say doesn't seem to have much meaning. o others that is. Still. it's an outlet for my emotions. inexpressible in everyday life. partly due to the nature of the information, partly because writing has it's own strengths that allow for specific ways of expression that would be lost in another communication medium. big words don't sound so dumb when your reading them as when someone is saying them. Plus, you don't look like an idiot when you take time out to go look unknown words up. I have stopped seeing a lot of people from my life. the old life? perhaps. just a different time. kind of wiped the slate a bit. Maybe I'll come back one day; reminisce. I figure if I change enough and put myself in different situations with different people, eventually I'll discover some kind of core to my being; some trend that seems to follow; learn a little about myself while expanding and exploring at the same time. how low can you go? how high can you climb? how far is your reach? what can you take? what makes you break? where do you stop? when is it a good time to end? ideas. I love ideas. 99% are pure "funny in the moment" bullshit. trick is to find a way to capitalize on the remaining 1%. Of course, I prefer to socialize on the 1% but that never really works out the way it does in my dreams. well, that's not true. TLDM. Debatable whether that "worked out" or not though. The winds are blowing a bit. not cold, just a breeze in the spring sun. Taking a bath in star light. Need to cut some cords. Time to work on the van. time to set the stage for who I am going to be for the next few years.

	2009.04.01  01.15 and it begins... Watch live video from The Lucid Dream Machine on Justin.tv

	2009.03.17  14.47 mubble Well hello there. Long time no see. Life has been... full. no time to stop and talk. World of Warcraft is going well; in a guild (doing well); going to main tank this Friday and Saturday. Just what I have always wanted. Now that everything is perfect, now is the time where I wonder what I am doing and want to start looking for something else. but we shall see. foot is doing better. There is some residual pain which won't go away for a year or so I am sure. Today is the day I begin playing rock band again. Money is going to run out in 3 months or so now. I could probably squeeze 4 out of it. Which means a job. I am looking forward to working again, having a steady income. Not sure if I will stick with Comcast or find something else. School has been a total bust this semester. I am so done with it... need to finish; I know. About to drop another class and be down to 3. Which means I need 3 more to graduate (summer or fall). on-line classes were a bad idea for me. don't sit well with my personality profile =P on the flip side. I am letting this idea of becoming an EMT (and eventually a Paramedic) sit next to my mind for awhile. I really want to mull it over. The work hours seem really long. That seems to be the only downside. But maybe I can get jobs that are not as demanding of my time in the field. which, doesn't help school because to be an EMT I just need to do a three month training course. WTF did I get a degree for? But yah, saving people's lives? I could deal with that? crazy, hectic, chaotic situations where you need to keep your head about you and get shit done? I can deal with that too. I'd love it actually. chaos is my medium. makes me feel alive. plus the social capital in the form of stauts I would derive from being an EMT is awesome. Baby, if you need me, I can save your life. yup. it's all about pussy. (and the fact that a friend of Tristan is an EMT and when they are waiting for a call they get to sit in their flashing corpse wagon playing World of Warcraft on their lap tops. sweet!~) Also, when I think back to all my encounters with EMT's, I have placed them in a specific area of my mind and I can recall all of them easily; must mean something. There was an old movie that had EMT's in it, there were those EMT's that used to show up at the theater where I worked and get to watch free movies, there was that one time where someone broke their foot while i was first aid guy and an EMT crew came then, and there were those nice EMT's that helped me after my scooter crash. Plus, I would just love to have that kind of training. I love the human body and blood/feces/being in the shit doesn't bother me. omn the flip side. board game night is going very well. like another TLDM well. we have about 30-40 people attending a game night every Thursday now. it's crazy. we are talking about renting out a place to meet the demands of the group now. so I don't know. kind of just seeing what happens with that. potential. so we shall see. I am getting ready to start working on the van again. The kick off date for burning man is fast approaching and I want to be ready. People, that people I know, have died recently. Didn't know any of them but my condolences. grandparents seem to be kicking the bucket more recently these days. Maybe the rescission has brought back a lot of stressful memories. negative thoughts and emotions. who knows. my grandmother isn't doing so well. mind is going. perhaps. not quite sure. what was i taking about? my open relationship is going well. still working out the kinks. Melody and Felice spent some time talking together this weekend well they were both in town. think they might even be friends now =P I am finding myself pretty content. there is a bit of learning and growing left involving each of us but it is going well. Communication and honesty is the key. and to be honest, this other girl caught my eye. just a passing glance however, nothing to serious. Her mind looked delicious. nough said. ok. that is enough for now. go out and live people. LIVE DAMNIT

	2009.03.02  11.11 Some news Next leap forward for stem cells Gatica IRL Ghost busters 3 seems to be in the works. Please don't bomb. just in case you need help with that rubikscube article on cell phone jamming

	2009.02.24  03.40 To know one, To no one Who are you trying to convince? with those words that you say. me, you, everybody? I almost believe you. wow. take a breath. My leg is healing. still broken. need to take a shower. i have been playing a lot of wow lately. pushing to 80. for a girl? i guess. but not really. just an idea, a concept. dropped one of my on-line classes. was dragging me down. means i will have to take a summer class before I graduate. not really sure what else it means. more money as always. blah. Didn't want it to drag down my GPA however. I am not a distance learning type of guy. i need/want to be right there in the thick of it. full immersion. I don't have many goals right now. I feel like I am wasting away but not necessarily in a bad way. The only thing I am really eager for is Burning Man in the end of August. I'll be 28 twenty eight. not exactly old, but old enough to laugh at the thought of being with a 18 year old. just the thought of it makes me feel dirty. half bad/half good. I am in a semi open relationship right now with two wonderful older women. by older I mean around 40. it's calm. just support and snuggles. what I like best. oh and the sex rocks too. although with my leg and all my exercising has gone down hill and so has my health to a certain degree. lets just say i don't have very good stamina. but I know how to make up for it due to years of practice i suppose. Honestly, I just need to start working again. Just been a bit to self indulgent lately. Same old, same old really. board game nights have been good. Just something about this hour of the night for me. listening to the rain. rain in my brain. the worst thing about my leg is that I haven't been able to work on the Van much. just isn't effective for moving around and getting into those awkward positions to tighten this bolt or that screw. hum. I don't like you. I don't really know why. it's just a feeling. nothing personal. like I said, I don't really know why, I don't really know you. but I am pretty sure I don't want too. the little things you do rub me the wrong way. could just be a miss-communication I suppose. I guess i am just rather impartial. it is what it is. What's this life for? g'night

	2009.02.18  13.53 "A wise person knows when to make an exception to every rule"

	2009.02.17  12.50 evercrack study New everquest study underway

	2009.02.16  18.49 lot of naked people... Spencer Tunick ( Read more... )

	2009.02.15  12.28 ha haha

	2009.02.11  18.39 omg. awesome barack dirty talk

	2009.02.09  22.48 Lot going on in my head. compounded by the pain in my leg. helps keep my focus off the other pain. Something's wrong. Not sure what. could try and diagnose myself. not physically, or maybe physically at the root but manifesting itself psychologically. I just feel broken. feelings based on long term perceptions of behavioral patterns. behavior that doesn't lead me to be happy. or i am happy but it won't last. nothing really seems to matter. everything just fades to gray. i can't seem to hold on to the color. I have no one to talk too. which isn't to say that there aren't people in my life who are willing to listen. Just know one who I feel like would understand. I don't even understand. fuck

	2009.02.04  13.08 Know what you want.

	2009.02.03  14.23 women stuides paper work thoughts. Do men and women communicate differently? Yes, but why? Is it biological or is it a learned social behavior that controls our communications between each other? One of the areas we can explore this on-line games. also, how do people interact when they don't know the gender of the other person? "Whether its nature or nurture, there may be individuals who possess almost none of the traits attributed to their gender. They may have been teased, harassed or excluded from things because of this, which is why its important to know and understand male and female cultural norms but also recognize that many people don’t fit the mold. So while we call certain styles male and certain styles female because research has shown that different ways of thinking, processing, perceiving and behaving is present in at least 55% of the male and female population, that leaves up to 45% that may not fit the description. As you go about your day, take the time to listen and observe how people are interacting with each other. I’m sure you will notice many of the differences outlined on the next page and discussed in the workshop. Be aware that very few people are all one way or all the other way—most of us have used the other gender style at different times." - some on-line source

	2009.02.03  13.39 I was going to title this "Ethan in drop E". But I don't know if drop E exists. and I don't really feel like drop D symbolizes the same thing. In fact I don't know what drop E means, except that E is the letter of my first name. I suppose it means that I am down, or feel like I have been dropped, or even that I have dropped myself. yah, that is about right. My foot is broken. I broke it. glad I did in some ways. I guess I'll start with a confession. or just confessing and go from there. I have been playing a lot of wow lately. a lot. Usually how it goes. partly just because I wanted to try out the expansion, and partly because there was a girl I was interested in who also played. double whammy. (just had a conversation with her though, she is dating someone) which is good. relieves some of the temptation to play. I haven't been doing jack shit with school. I have gone to class half the days, and have read less then half of my assigned readings. fail. I have total senioritis. I like the information from the classes but the homework seems meaningless. I don't think I feel good about being home anymore. it is almost to comfortable. I feel great whenever I am in my car driving or going somewhere. whenever I am doing something. With school, I can't shake the feeling that I am not doing anything, at least not anything worth while. however, with wow I feel like I am doing something, like I am accomplishing something. even though it's just a bunch of information being exchanged and represented by pixels on a screen. I don't know why I can't feel that same way about school. not only that. but I am good at wow. it's just.. I know the rules and I can compete. they are fixed. you do this, this happens. school is so fucking arbitrary. in wow, your not graded on how you killed the mob, your just graded on whether you killed the mob or not. in school, how you do it seems to be the only thing that matters, and I fucking hate that. I am a person who does things his own way because I find ways to do things faster and better then the traditional. but school doesn't allow me to exploit that ability. I fucking hate it. at least, I can't get good grades when I do that. the big problem is I took two on-line classes this semester. big mistake. I like the freedom they give but they require an immense amount of time and blog style communication to compete in. it wouldn't be so bad but I have always been lacking in English grammar and composition. My verbal skills are completely useless in those classes. I guess in some ways it has showed me some of my limitations, or at least sore areas. so yah. I can pony up and finish the classes (which I will get B's, maybe even c's in. or I can drop the classes, finish out my other ones and take two regular summer session classes. I don't know.. I just want to be fing done. bah. I need to get some things done.

	2009.01.20  12.37 Calling all star wars fans omg, this was fantastic Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn't seen it all)

	2009.01.16  16.36 Video game voice actors. Who's who. Princess Peach and Cortana No wonder I liked halo so much =P I have spent much of my life listening to this woman's voice lol.

	2009.01.16  04.23 oh man. stuff to say. to late to say it out loud in any format. Just life. comes and goes, knocks and blows. is that blood or a soaked rag. hard to tell sometimes. Long day of school work tomorrow. night & sleep tight

	2009.01.14  01.19 life update School has started. Fun times. My class schedule is pretty lax. After today's modifications, I have classes on Monday and Wednesday and that is pretty much it. Decided to take two Distance Degree Program (DDP) classes this semester. S I have 5 classes in all but only have to attend 8 hours of lectures during the week. Sweet!!! Which means, I basically have a four day weekend which is awesome. My final class schedule is as follows: Digital Diversity, Childhood and Culture, Sex, Evolution and Human Nature, Sociology of Gender, and Speech, Thought, and Culture. Looks like the two on-line classes will be the hardest. Speech, thought and Culture is going to be pretty intense; deconstructing language has never been my strong point. Digital Diversity is going to be awesome. We don't even have a text book. We just surf around on the internet for articles relating to the topic we are studying that week and bring it to class to discuss them. rock! Have my alarm set to buy Burning man tickets for this summer. If I can get them right when they go on sale at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow it will only cost around 200 dollars. Have to buy them from my laptop while in class =P Lot of work to do on the Van still. Getting the rims and tires installed tomorrow if everything goes as planned. Was able to get over to the junk yard and strip the inside of a van that a carpenter must have lived in. The wood work was great. I salvaged a dresser, a closet, an over head cabinet and a large dresser with a Styrofoam fridge in it and room to install a sink. Of course, that stuff won't be put into the van until the final stages a few months from now but it is just awesome that I already have the pieces. They were pretty cheap too! Once the tires are on the van, am going back there to get the remaining side wall and insulation from it as well. Also, a roof rack, a ladder and a spare tire mount for the back door. Relationship wise. Well, things are going pretty well. I am just taking it easy, meeting people and having a few intimate encounters here and there with those that I find to be interesting and worthy of that kind of attention. Which recently, have been women who are much older then my typical dating pool. 39-43. Which I have to say has been very refreshing. Low drama, just a lot of activities both in the bedroom and outside of it. Plus, the conversations have been great. I love talking to people about their life experiences who have actually had some of consequence. I don't know if I spoke much about my relationship with Tessa from WSUV before but that pretty much died down. Friends with benefits from the start pretty much. Except, it was really awkward. Plus she was a pretty big smoker and drinker. However she is currently trying to quit the puffing (Good luck!) The mind fuck that America does on young women in regards to sexuality never ceases to amaze me. Which is why I think I have been drawn to more seasoned women as of late. They have been able to get past a lot of that psychological bullshit. So yah. I am feeling pretty satisfied in the intimate and physical realms of my life as of late. I have been letting my physical activity slip as of late though. Skipped out on fencing last week to work on the van and it looks like the same thing might happen tomorrow. Haven't been able to get up to the mountain for snow boarding in a week and a half either. Still have nine lift passe sleft to use before the season is over. (shouldn't be to hard though with my new class schedule) I have been dancing once a week though and plan to continue that activity. Also going to play a bit of rock band before sleeping tonight. My schedule has shifted. I have been pretty much operating in two shifts so far this week. I sleep for 4 to 6 hours at night, wake up, go to class, come home, watch a bit of t.v. and then nap for 3 to 4 hours and then get up and work on homework till I go to bed. Seems to work out pretty well. I don't get as worn out and tired from my school obligations that way and I have a lot of uninterrupted time to do homework while the rest of the world sleeps. Almost feels like I am back at TLDM lol. I have not been playing much in the way of video games. Been trying to beat an RPG for the 360 - Eternal Sonata. I am having trouble getting into it though, just not that great. Unfortunately there are slim pickings out there now that it is the after Christmas season. Almost started playing wow again but fuck that shit. The expansion seems cool but its just the same old boring ass repetitive game when it gets down to it. Still waiting on Star Craft 2 & Diablo 3. Hurry the F up Blizz. I have been playing a lot of attention to my mood over the last month or so, just trying to track the possibility that I am Bi polar. I have to admit that there did seem to be a downshift in my enthusiasm and energy the last week or so. Spent a lot of time lounging around, sleeping and second guessing some of my long and short term decisions as of late. There were days that I kicked myself and got out of bed to be productive however. Of course, my life is constantly changing so it's hard to have a stable environment from which to draw any kind of conclusive evidence about. This upcoming month will provide a more stable period of time which to observe my general feelings and emotions. Board game nights have been progressing well. The group of people keeps getting bigger and bigger. I have met a lot of awesome people lately. It's nice to expand the social network and visit new places. speaking of which, if I have not mentioned it before, the Kennedy school has a hot tub that is fucking awesome. Go there for a dinner, a movie and a soak. It's great. 21 and over though unfortunately. God damn, I write a lot. I guess it's been awhile. I have been spending a lot of time on Facebook lately. I just like the layout and function better. Much more suited for social interaction then LJ. Lj is mostly just for my personal thoughts and reflections. More bulk and substantive material really. Less about the weather and real time events. I applied for graduation today. Cost 41 dollars. Need to go get some Spanish language transcripts sent from mountain view to WSUV. It will be fun stopping by my old high school tomorrow. memories. My 10 year class reunion is coming up this year as well. So crazy... There is a Facebook group that was created and currently has over 100 students from my class that have joined. They are using it to help coordinate the event for this summer. Got to love technology. I guess that it is pretty much it for right now. Life is pretty good and I plan on keeping it headed in that direction. Ethan out. oh and I finished watching the first two seasons of 30Rock. I am in Love with Tina Fey and want to have her broadcast babies. Also, finished d/l the rest of Star Trek: TNG episodes and have begun to watch them. Already feel the sadness I'll experience after I have watched them all. So I have preemptively started d/l Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and Babylon five episodes. rock band and dream time.